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Trying to figure out if someone is being controlling or just really caring can be tricky. When people look out for us, it's usually because they care about our well-being. But sometimes, their actions might cross a line into controlling territory. It's especially challenging when you're a teenager since you're getting more independent, and figuring out these boundaries is part of growing up.

Understanding Caring vs. Controlling Behaviours

Caring behaviours come from a place of love and consideration. For instance, if your parents set rules about when to be home, they probably want to make sure you're safe. They let you know they trust you, give you appropriate freedom, and discuss rules with you reasonably.

Controlling behaviours, on the other hand, try to exert influence over your freedom. This can feel like someone is constantly keeping an eye on you or making decisions for you without your input. For example, if someone tells you who you can be friends with or insists on knowing every detail about where you are and who you're with, they might be stepping into controlling territory.

Signs of a Controlling Relationship

Here are some signs that someone might be more controlling than caring:

• Excessive monitoring: Constant texts or calls checking where you are or what you're up to.
• Isolation: Discouraging you from seeing friends or family to keep you away from others.
• Ridicule or criticism: Putting you down, especially in front of others, or criticising your choices regularly.
• Demanding obedience: Expecting you to follow orders without any discussion or explanation.
• Guilt trips: Making you feel guilty to make you do something their way.

Why it's Important to Recognise

Recognising whether someone's behaviour is caring or controlling can impact your emotional and mental health. If consistently exposed to controlling behaviour, it's easy to start feeling less confident in your own choices or trapped in a relationship, whether that's with a friend, family member, or someone you're dating.

It's also important as you're developing your sense of self and personal independence. Healthy relationships are supportive and give you room to grow, not make you feel stuck or under constant scrutiny.

How to Deal with Controlling Behaviours

If you think someone's behaviour might be controlling rather than caring, here are some steps you can take:

Communicate Your Feelings

Talk to the person about how their actions make you feel. Use "I" statements, like "I feel overwhelmed when you check on me so many times," so they understand it's about how you feel, not accusing them of bad intent.

Set Boundaries

This might be difficult, but it's essential. Clearly and kindly explain what you're comfortable with and what you're not. If you need more space or independence, express that.

Seek Support

If discussing your feelings and setting boundaries doesn't help, or if you feel unsafe, it's important to talk to someone you trust, like another family member, a teacher, or a school counsellor.

Reflect on the Relationship

Sometimes, we have to make tough decisions about our relationships. Reflect on whether this relationship more often makes you feel good or stressed and unhappy. If it's the latter, it might be time to rethink how close you are with this person.

How This Might Affect You

As a teenager, you're working on building your identity and gaining independence. Encounters with controlling behaviours can really affect that process. You might feel less confident in making decisions or scared to voice your opinion. That's why it's crucial to understand the difference between caring and controlling behaviours.

Practical Strategies for Everyday Life

Here are some everyday things you can do to strengthen your ability to recognise and cope with these behaviours:

• Trust your gut: If something doesn't feel right, trust yourself to question it.
• Keep an independence checklist: Are your actions and choices mostly your own? Keep track to make sure you're living your life for you.
• Stay informed: Read books or articles about healthy relationships and personal development. Knowledge is power.

Conclusion

Understanding the fine line between caring and controlling can help protect your emotional well-being and support your journey to becoming an independent adult. Keep these tips in mind to maintain healthy and supportive relationships that allow you to thrive.

How are you feeling?

It is really important that when we need help, we feel able to ask for it. This could be speaking to a parent, a close friend, a teacher or someone else you trust. Sometimes it can be really hard to share our feelings with other people but if we are feeling low or don't know where to turn, sharing with others is really important. Teachers will always take you seriously and listen to your problems in confidence if you approach them for help. Likewise, parents, siblings or friends will help you if you reach out to them.

If you feel like you can't speak to anyone you know, there are people and organisations that can help support you:

• Childline - Call them on 0800 1111 any time of the day or night, every day of the week
• NSPCC - Call them on 0808 800 5000 between 10am and 4pm Monday to Friday or email them on help@NSPCC.org.uk
• The Samaritans – Call them on 116 123 any time of the day or night, every day of the week
• SANE – Call 0300 304 7000 for support (4:30pm - 10:30pm every day)
• Mind – Call 0300 123 3393 (9:00am - 6:00pm Monday to Friday)

*Sometimes we will use real life examples in our articles to aid understanding. When we do, names and ages will be changed.