Let's get started...
When someone close to you dies, their presence feels impossible to forget. But as time passes, you might notice that your memories of them begin to fade. This can be frightening and upsetting, making you wonder if you're losing your connection to them. If you've ever asked yourself, "What if I start forgetting someone who died?" it's important to know that these feelings are normal and don't mean you've stopped caring. Remembering someone is about more than just specific details, it's about the love and impact they had on your life.
Why Do We Fear Forgetting?
After a bereavement, the idea of forgetting the person who died can feel deeply upsetting. Here are some reasons why this fear might arise:
- Feeling like you're letting them go: Forgetting certain things about them might feel like you're losing them all over again.
- Worrying about losing connection: You might fear that fading memories mean they'll no longer feel close to you.
- Guilt: You may feel guilty for not being able to recall every detail about them or worry that it means you didn't care enough.
These feelings are natural, but it's important to understand that memories don't need to be perfect for someone to remain a part of your life.
The Real-Life Impact on Teenagers
For young people, the fear of forgetting someone after a bereavement can be particularly challenging. Here's how it might affect you:
- Emotional distress: You might feel sad, anxious, or even angry at yourself for not being able to recall everything about the person.
- Difficulty focusing: These thoughts might distract you from schoolwork or other daily activities.
- Isolation: You might feel like no one else understands what you're going through, which can make you withdraw from friends and family.
While these feelings can be tough, there are ways to address them and preserve your connection to the person you've lost.
How Memories Work
Memories naturally fade over time, especially the small details of day-to-day life. This doesn't mean the person is any less important to you. In fact, the most meaningful memories, like how they made you feel, the lessons they taught you, or their love and kindness, often stay with you the longest. It's also worth remembering that forgetting small details is part of being human; it doesn't reflect how much you cared for the person.
Practical Strategies for Remembering Someone
If you're worried about forgetting someone who died, there are plenty of ways to keep their memory alive. Here are some practical ideas:
1. Create a Memory Box
Collect items that remind you of the person, such as photos, letters, or objects they loved. A memory box can be a comforting way to revisit your connection whenever you need to.
2. Write Down Your Memories
Start a journal or a scrapbook where you write about your favourite moments together. These could be funny stories, meaningful conversations, or simple details about who they were.
3. Celebrate Their Anniversaries
On special dates, like their birthday or the anniversary of their death, do something to honour them. This could be lighting a candle, sharing stories with family, or doing an activity they enjoyed.
4. Talk About Them
Sharing memories with friends or family can help keep their spirit alive. Even if you're worried about forgetting details, others might remember things you don't, which can be a lovely way to reconnect with their story.
5. Make Something in Their Honour
If you enjoy creative activities, consider making a piece of art, writing a poem, or composing a song inspired by them. This can be a personal and meaningful way to celebrate their life.
6. Visit Places They Loved
Going to a place they enjoyed, like a park, caf, or favourite holiday spot, can help you feel close to them and bring back happy memories.
7. Keep a Piece of Them With You
Some people find comfort in wearing a piece of jewellery, keeping a photo in their wallet, or carrying a small object that belonged to the person who died. This physical reminder can help you feel connected.
8. Support a Cause They Cared About
If they were passionate about a cause or charity, getting involved can be a great way to honour their memory and continue their legacy.
Balancing Memories and Moving Forward
It's important to remember that keeping someone's memory alive doesn't mean staying stuck in the past. Here are some tips for balancing remembrance with living your life:
- Focus on the positive: Celebrate the good times you shared rather than dwelling on the pain of losing them.
- Allow yourself to grow: Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting them, it means carrying their memory with you as you continue to live your life.
- Be kind to yourself: It's okay if you don't remember every detail. What matters most is the love and connection you shared.
How to Handle Guilt About Forgetting
If you feel guilty about forgetting certain things, remind yourself of the following:
- It's normal for details to fade over time.
- Forgetting small things doesn't mean you've stopped loving or caring about them.
- Your connection to them goes beyond memories, it's part of who you are.
If these feelings persist, consider talking to a trusted adult or counsellor who can help you process your emotions.
Supporting a Friend Who Feels This Way
If a friend is worried about forgetting someone who died, here's how you can help:
- Listen: Let them share their feelings without judgement or trying to "fix" the situation.
- Encourage them to remember: Suggest activities like creating a memory box or sharing stories together.
- Reassure them: Remind them that forgetting small details is normal and doesn't diminish their love for the person.
Final Thoughts
The fear of forgetting someone who died is a natural part of grief, but it doesn't mean your connection to them is fading. By finding meaningful ways to remember them, like creating a memory box, writing about your favourite moments, or supporting a cause they cared about, you can keep their spirit alive in your life. Remember, your relationship with them isn't just about memories, it's about how they shaped who you are. By cherishing that connection, you'll carry them with you, even as time moves forward.
How are you feeling?
It is really important that when we need help, we feel able to ask for it. This could be speaking to a parent, a close friend, a teacher or someone else you trust. Sometimes it can be really hard to share our feelings with other people but if we are feeling low or don't know where to turn, sharing with others is really important. Teachers will always take you seriously and listen to your problems in confidence if you approach them for help. Likewise, parents, siblings or friends will help you if you reach out to them.
If you feel like you can't speak to anyone you know, there are people and organisations that can help support you:
- Childline - Call them on 0800 1111 any time of the day or night, every day of the week
- NSPCC - Call them on 0808 800 5000 between 10am and 4pm Monday to Friday or email them on help@NSPCC.org.uk
- The Samaritans – Call them on 116 123 any time of the day or night, every day of the week
- SANE – Call 0300 304 7000 for support (4:30pm - 10:30pm every day)
- Mind – Call 0300 123 3393 (9:00am - 6:00pm Monday to Friday)
*Sometimes we will use real life examples in our articles to aid understanding. When we do, names and ages will be changed.