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Understanding Divorce: It's Not Your Fault

Divorce is a significant event in the life of a family, and it's ripple effects can be felt across all members, including teenagers. To understand it fully, we must first look at what divorce means. Typically, it indicates that two people who were married have decided to legally end their marriage. This decision comes down to complexities between individuals that are often deeply personal and rooted in issues that are far beyond the control or influence of their children.

It's common for teenagers to sometimes feel that they could be the reason behind their parents' divorce. Thoughts like, "if I had been better behaved" or "if I hadn't been so demanding", might come up. However, it's crucial to recognise these for what they are: natural, but unfounded fears.

The Emotional World of Teens Dealing with Divorce

When parents decide to divorce, the emotional impact on a teenager can be profound. You might experience a range of feelings including sadness, anger, confusion, and sometimes relief. These feelings are normal. During this period, it's the unresolved and ongoing conflicts among parents, not the behaviour of children, that leads to the decision of separation. Parental issues can range from financial stresses, personal dissatisfaction, lack of communication, or deep-rooted differences in values and goals.

As a teenager, it's significant to process these emotions healthily and to understand that these adult decisions are not a reflection of your value or your behaviour.

Strategies for Handling Divorce as a Teenager

1. Open Communication

Talking about your feelings is important. Whether it's with a friend, a sibling, or a counsellor, expressing what you're going through can help immensely. If possible, communicate with your parents about how their divorce is affecting you. It's beneficial for them to understand your feelings and provide the support you need.

2. Maintain Routines

Staying engaged with your daily activities can provide a sense of stability. Keep up with your school work, attend your usual clubs or sports activities, and try to maintain your social life. Consistency in these areas provides a structure that can be very comforting during times of change.

3. Educational Support

Changes at home may affect your academic performance. Speak to your teachers if you're struggling; they can offer support or adjustments if necessary. Schools often have counselling services, which can be an excellent resource during challenging times.

4. Professional Help

If emotions around the divorce are overwhelming, reaching out to a counsellor or therapist can be beneficial. These professionals provide a confidential and safe space to explore your feelings and start to heal from the pain of a family breakdown.

5. Develop Coping Skills

Learning how to cope with stress in a healthy way is crucial. Skills like deep breathing, mindfulness, and exercising can reduce stress and enhance your emotional resilience. Moreover, engaging in hobbies or interests can offer distractions and joys amidst turmoil.

Remember, it's Not Your Fault

The decision for divorce rests upon adult matters that you, as a teen, have no control over. It's a result of issues between your parents as individuals and not because of anything you might have done. Accepting this is pivotal in moving forward emotionally and in healing. You are not to blame for your parents' actions or decisions and deserve support to get through this period with your mental health intact.

Every teenager handles the emotional strain of divorce differently and it's perfectly okay to be feeling uncertain or sad about the changes happening. Know that it's okay to seek help and talk about what's going on. Your feelings are valid and important, and there are many ways to cope and move forward positively.

How are you feeling?

It is really important that when we need help, we feel able to ask for it. This could be speaking to a parent, a close friend, a teacher or someone else you trust. Sometimes it can be really hard to share our feelings with other people but if we are feeling low or don't know where to turn, sharing with others is really important. Teachers will always take you seriously and listen to your problems in confidence if you approach them for help. Likewise, parents, siblings or friends will help you if you reach out to them.

If you feel like you can't speak to anyone you know, there are people and organisations that can help support you:

• Childline - Call them on 0800 1111 any time of the day or night, every day of the week
• NSPCC - Call them on 0808 800 5000 between 10am and 4pm Monday to Friday or email them on help@NSPCC.org.uk
• The Samaritans – Call them on 116 123 any time of the day or night, every day of the week
• SANE – Call 0300 304 7000 for support (4:30pm - 10:30pm every day)
• Mind – Call 0300 123 3393 (9:00am - 6:00pm Monday to Friday)

*Sometimes we will use real life examples in our articles to aid understanding. When we do, names and ages will be changed.